Thirteen years ago I became the step-father of a little blonde mess. In just a few short months she will graduate High School and we will set her loose on a college campus. God help them…and us!
When I married her mother she was 4 and had very few men in her life. As a matter of fact the only men that she was comfortable with were her grandfather, my dad, and my step-dad. Teenage boys were something to be terrified of. They looked liked men and sounded like boys which was beyond her understanding.
Her relationship with her father was a disaster. Many times he chose drugs and alcohol over her. One of the things that we laugh about now is the night that we were all under the same roof together as a family. She and my son were in the bathroom trying to brush their teeth and elbowing for room and fussing. They fell into the brother vs sister role very quickly.
Hearing the ruckus I went to the door of the bathroom and clapped my hands together and started to say something fatherly like “Knock it off and brush your teeth it’s bed time” Except I was looking at my son, no blonde little girl in sight. My son on the other hand was looking at what was left of my little girl who was now a puddle in the middle of the floor. I picked her up and carried her to bed soothing her fears as we went.
The next 12 months were an education for the both of us. For as long as she could remember she had never had to deal with a man in the house. We ran into each other so often it became nearly comical. It was during those months that she learned to look up and I learned to look down. I swear she spent the majority of that time on her bottom looking up at me!
To say that she grew up with a fear of men would be an understatement. When I came into her life things started to change. She began to trust me. Her mother chose to trust me, that made me safe. A little girl who did not trust men began to fall asleep in my arms, began to lay on my chest when mom worked late and fall asleep. Our relationship grew and so did her relationship with her biological father. For about 5 years she had the best of both worlds.
As her relationship with me became stronger she slowly let her dad back in. She opened herself to being as vulnerable with him as she was with me. Their relationship flourished. He was in church and sober. Ironically enough his relationship with me became amiable. So much so that I began to drop her off to him for his parental visits.
Then her world collapsed. Or rather our world collapsed. It was a typical custodial trip to drop her off to him. No mean feat as it was a three hour drive. As we came closer to our destination my wife called me. She wasn’t hysterical but she wasn’t calm either. She told me whatever you do she cannot leave with him. Excuse me? She said he can’t take her. Do whatever you need to, but he can’t leave with her.
Uhm…why not?
Her next words stopped my heart. She said he’s either drunk or stoned. I gathered myself and told her that we had a problem. You see as a step-parent I had not legal right to keep her from him. She told me that she knew and that she was calling her sister who lived in the area.
And I am still driving. Notice a pattern here?
We pulled in to the designated meeting spot and sure enough he’s drunk. She sees him and wilts. I start putting her bags in the car, dragging my feet. Taking her to the bathroom. Desperately trying to delay the inevitable.
We head towards his car, and thankfully my sister-in-law drives up. Calls out to my daughter. Delighted to see her much loved aunt she jumps in the car, and my sister-in-law promptly takes her away leaving us standing there to figure out what just happened. A police officer showed up and in a few short minutes sized up the situation and informed us that if bio-dad put the keys in the ignition of his car he would be taken to jail on DUI. My wife had managed the situation from three hours away.
And our father daughter relationship nearly died. For the next four years we battled seemingly all the time. It felt as if my wife was running interference for her, or for me, depending on the situation. Eventually things settled down but definitely were not the same.
As time went on she started asking questions. Why the situation happened and who was responsible for what. She slowly began to realize that I wasn’t the bad guy. And slowly over time our relationship began to heal. More than I realized.
At some point the topic of adoption had come up. I never really put much thought to it, just talked about it, expressed that if that were something that she wanted I would do whatever it took. She took that to heart. I’ve discovered that our children often listen far more intently than we would ever imagine.
Driving down the road one afternoon she starts a conversation “sooooo….dad. Remember that conversation we had about adoption?” I respond, “yes?” She asks, ” what would it take??” I told her that I wasn’t sure but I would look into it.
But the more I thought on it the more hesitant I became. Not that I didn’t want her, nothing could be further from the truth, she was really already my daughter just not in name. I began to question her about it. Was she out to hurt her dad? No. She’s done being hurt by him, I was her dad, not him. He was just the sperm donor. I pointed out every possible scenario, but she adamant.
I talked to her mom about it. We both agreed. If this is something that she wanted she would have to tell him, find the paperwork, but she would have to do it on her own. It could not appear to be anything that looked as if I had forced her or cajoled her into. And she did. She printed the paperwork and took it to him. Big shock….he told her no. But she has continued to ask him repeatedly. Until recently. She discovered that if she waits until she’s 18 he has no say in that matter. So that her plan. And I will wait.
I’ve had difficulty in believing that any of this could happen, or that she would want me as her father. I often question my wife, and sometimes my girl. I keep getting the same affirmative response. Yes! But two events concreted it for me.
As I continued to question her, she stopped me, looked me square in the eye and said, “I am your daughter, not his. The only thing that I don’t have that my brothers do is your name. I’m growing up and someday I will get married. When that happens and you walk me down the aisle I want no confusion as to who I am” I sat in stunned silence bleary eyed as she left the room. But the next event sealed it.
I would often drive her to school and drop her off. We’d chat and talk. Sometimes not. Sometimes listen to the radio. Sometimes not. But this particular day we were talking a little and had the radio on in the background. As we pulled up to the curb of the school and said our goodbyes she said “Oooh, I love this song” turned up the radio and got out of the car. As I watched her walk away, long blonde hair flowing in her wake, shoulders square, Kelly Clarkson’s voice filled the interior of the car,
Walking towards the airport, leaving us all in your past
I traveled fifteen hundred miles to see you
I begged you to want me, but you didn’t want to
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece, he restores my faith
That a man can be kind and the father could, stay
I made something of myself and now you wanna come back
But your love, it isn’t free, it has to be earned
Back then I didn’t have anything you needed so I was worthless
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
‘Cause he loves me
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and a father could, stay
I will never leave her like you left me
And she will never have to wonder her worth
Because unlike you I’m going to put her first and you know
He’ll never walk away,
He’ll never break her heart
He’ll take care of things, he’ll love her
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and the father should be great
Piece by piece”
I had the hardest time seeing the road on my way to work.
confessions of a novice bow hunter 